I was responding to an email this morning, from a dear friend of mine whose life is also a faith-walk. We were discussing “letting go” and how that comes into our lives: forced letting go, letting go by loss, and letting go intentionally. He shared that the last one seems to be the hardest. My experience has definitely included challenge in getting to the last form of letting go. This is what I wrote back to him, in part:
“All three forms of letting go that you mention, I’ve been through the past few years. From having what I thought was real and true and right, ripped away…to loss of people and pieces of myself that I thought were important…to finally, and gratefully now…giving away and letting go and finally, finally coming to surrender. OK God…you want me, you got me…for real.
It’s been a shredding of my beliefs, my desires, my wants, really everything I knew or thought I had become…a shamanic initiation of getting down to the bones…a stripping of everything that I thought was there. It has left me blank and empty…and I think that’s just what the Divine Intention was. Fierce humbling. What hasn’t gone away, ever, is my Knowing of God.
I’ve gotten the Message to stop distracting myself all the time and just stop. Stop doing…stop thinking…stop wanting…stop everything…just stop. Then, as the ego-psyche-belief machine winds down, cranking and spitting angrily to a slow halt, depression kicks in along with a depth of loss I’ve not experienced before, and woe and sorrow and self-pity and anger and resentment, and then…just darkness. Just nothing. For months.
Just nothing, and then, a wondering if I will ever move to something else, or just sit in a nothing-zone forever…it’s lonely there. Then, more nothing and more darkness, and one day, a noticing of less self-pity, and less depression and less emotion…but nothing more. Empty. Emptying all of it out slowly, ever so slowly.
Then, finally…coming to the understanding that nothing is just fine, and finally, just being willing to accept nothing…and to want to give away anything that is left. Turning it all over to God…it’s Yours!
Acceptance. At last, sweet acceptance. No joy, no elation, no enthusiasm…but just simple acceptance. OK God. It’s all OK. Whatever. I am Yours…what will you have of me? Anything you want. I’m Yours. Take it all away…it’s okay now. Can’t say I won’t be sad, but I can now say that I will accept whatever comes, as from You and as a part of the Plan. Don’t know what the Plan is, but it doesn’t matter anymore. I am finally available to be the instrument for Your peace that I’ve said I wanted to be. I didn’t know back then, what it would take to accept the position. My husband says that sometimes you have to go straight through hell to get to heaven. Yeah.
Faith. The choice to accept anything that comes my way as coming from God as part of my individual curriculum of becoming Love. Mine has included lots of tempering through experiences of humility and compassion, and great lessons in Letting Go.”
W3iG – Whatever It Is, It’s God, I always say.